Thursday, December 24, 2009

ting ting ting -- ting ting ting

This year has been without a doubt one of the best years of my life, with so many changes unfolding and so many possibilities opening up in the near future. I couldn't have done a lot of it without my friends, old and new....i love you all so much. You are all beautiful and unique in your own way and continue to make my life so vibrant and colourful. Thank you so much.
I know the recession has hit some people hard and made this year kind of rough. But we have to look forward. We have imagine those moments of relief when we reflect back on these tough times and say "wow, I remember when the economy was so bad and I was in a really rough spot...everyone I knew was in a rough spot.". Things WILL get better. All we can do now is support and love each other and just keep pressing on. I know these tough times have forced me to work harder than I ever have before for what I really want. Being under the gun can be pretty motivating and it was that stress and anxiety that finally pushed me over the edge. All we have is now so DO WHAT YOU LOVE TO DO. Or start breaking through all the obstacles that are keeping you from what you love.
Life is too short to feel defeated and unhappy. Give life's troubles the finger and push forward.
I love you guys and let's make 2010 kick even MORE ass.
merry x-mas and a veddy happy new year <3


Wednesday, December 9, 2009



Shedding a lot of weight in a very short period of time from running/exercising instead of drinking.


Losing so much weight that the dress you had picked out for your work's epic Christmas party is TOO BIG on you now and the all the x-small sizes are back-ordered until the 23rd.


Saturday, December 5, 2009


everyday <3

no xxx

A lot of people have asked me about my abrupt decision to go sober.
So far I've been alcohol free for 9 days, with 13 more days to go.
At 24 years old and this is by far the longest my body has gone without alcohol in as long as I can remember. Day 6 was the record.

Here are my responses:

"Was it really that bad?"

Yes, it was that bad.

This decision has made me bring the truth about my drinking habit to service. Even my closest friends had no idea it had gone this far.

The fact is, I've been drinking heavily alone in my room almost every single night for the last 2 years. I don't need to be in a particular social situation like bar, or a party, or a kickback with friends to want to drink. I've become fine, and even prefer to drink alone in the privacy in my room, where I can have as much as I want with no one around to judge. My habit was considerably worse during my year in Portland, where my tolerance was growing to a bottle of wine and a few beers, every night. It used to be just to help me go to sleep, and then it was embedded into my routine when I'd draw, paint, or do anything creative at night. And because I work privately, it's veiled my habit more.
Drinking alone has been my escape at the end of the day, my special alone time to collect myself, reflect, melt into my favourite music, and actually enjoy the state of delirium i would usually end up drinking myself into. Alcohol has been my safety blanket and I haven't let it go in years. The idea of forcing it away from myself was honestly terrifying.

"What made you want to do it?"

I recently saw Jared for the first time in a few months. He is about to hit his first year of sobriety, and when I saw him he looked remarkably different. In his face and skin. It's that change you can't quite put your finger on, they just look overall better. And it made me realize what I must be doing to my own boy. Alcohol wears out your body over time. I look at myself now,..i used to have runners body, and exercise all the time. I barely run anymore, and feel tired and out-of-shape all the time now.
Not only that, I sat and thought about how much money I must have spent on alcohol. Every bar tab, bottle of wine, case of beer...the amount is probably astronomical, and it made me think of all the other ways that money could have been spent. On art supplies, on a plane ticket to go somewhere I've never been. I think of all the combined hours I've spent, checked out from reality. I'm still in my 20's and this is the most exciting time of my life. I should be soaking it all in, not stumbling through it in a haze, wearing vaseline-smeared glasses.

"Why do you have to stop completely? Why not just drink in moderation."

I want to clear my body of it completely.
And if you've ever had an eating disorder, you know that "all or nothing" mentality gets engrained into your head.

I've replaced drinking at night with working out instead. I've started running again, 3 miles every day and I'm remembering how good it feels.

"Why are you only doing it for a month?"

A. Giving myself a short goal makes it easier to get through the day. "Only 14 more days to go!" is a lot more encouraging than "Only the rest of my life to go!". I wanted to prove to myself that I could be strong enough to do this. Now that I know I can, I'll be taking breaks from alcohol more regularly in the future.

"Why don't you just stop completely?"


In the mean time, I'm actually enjoying sobriety. I went out last night to a show in LA and it was kind of relieving watching my friends knock back drinks and not have a single urge to join them. I thought being sober around intoxicated people would make me feel disconnected in some way. Plus it was good to know that without drinking, I was safe from pulling some dumb shit, talking nonsense, waking up in some strange bed, putting myself in danger, throwing myself at someone, or completely embarrassing myself. For the record I have magnificently pulled all of those off in the last few months and think I've my fill on self-loathing for now. So that's good!

Sobriety ends on the 18th for my studio's christmas party in Echo Park, which should be loads of fun.
And I feel confident saying I'll be moderating my drinking from here on out. I'm too young to be destroying my body the way I have been. My habit has had a hold on me for years, and now that I have a hold on it, i feel very empowered and considerably healthier. I'm focusing on my work more than ever and will be churning out some amazing stuff in the next few months. SO EXCITED!

Thanks to all my friends who've been so supportive. Thanks to Jared for talking to me through this and congrats on his year of sobriety. Also thanks to Emily, Monique, my brother Alex, James, Josh, my BNS friends and everyone else. <3