it's been a lonely climb

Despite my achievements these last few months,

this climb has been long and lonely.

I know I can't stop now ...the gears have started turning and I'm not shutting them off or slowing them down this time. This is it.


But I feel like when I've needed friends the most, this is the time where they've all A. disappeared/moved away or B. gone completely unglued on me and walked off. And I'm not trivializing their reasons for it. If I ever do anything to upset a friend, they should feel like they can tell me openly and honestly.

But fuck...
I'm so overwhelmed with all the momentum right now. I feel as though I'm blasting out into unfamiliar territory, excited and intimidated.

When these problems come up during the day I am so busy I feel numb to them. I want to care and respond, and give them my full attention.... and I store the subject in a compartment in my brain that I'll review later.
But during the day, they bounce off me as if I were a Pong paddle.

I get home and feel exhausted and worn out, already thinking of the next work day, and don't want to deal with the problem at hand.

Just give me a break, please.


I think my last serious relationship in Portland really fucked something up in me and it's made me afraid of being serious with anyone, which is a new for me. I've never had the nervous, protective feeling when I meet someone new that I do now. Sometimes I think it's a good thing... since I've moved back, it's veered me away from trying to find someone and start a relationship with them, which always ultimately ends up being a major distraction from what I really need to be focusing on.
But sometimes..fuck


At night I lie awake and miss something.
Miss someone.
And I don't even know who.


I know I need to do this alone.
But it'd be nice to have a hand to reach out to here and there along the way.