When you lose something you can't replace

Once upon a time-
I woke up every morning in that apartment with the hardwood floor.
the black and white tiles in the kitchen

Once upon a time-
We would invite our friends over for poker
People we had known since the days of lost baby teeth
The days we scraped our knees from jumping off the swings
too high
We were that couple, hosting get-togethers at our place with childhood friends, watching movies, eating dinner, smoking cigarettes in the kitchen.
"Ash, can you show ***** where the recycling is?"
(it was outside the kitchen door)

Once upon a time-
We spent evenings soaking in the old fashioned bathtub,
sipping wine,
reading books
while Cat Stevens records played in the next room.
Every once n a while I'd look up to see those eyes smiling at me.

Once upon a time-
I watched him hang my painting up on the wall.

Once upon a time-
I would lie on my stomach on the big soft bed
circling items in the newest Ikea catalog.
Things we couldn't afford but I thought would look great in the place.
(a sharpie next to his morning note that read "pick out some furniture! we need a new couch!")

Once upon a time-
We would tivo our favourite shows and watch them after we got off work...him from the record label, me from the coffee shop. He'd bring home demo cd's, stickers, patches, and posters... I'd bring home cookies, muffins, coffee, and tea. He'd tell me about all the bands that were about to hit the scene and blow everyone away. We knew all about them before anyone did and it felt good.

Once upon a time-
I'd wake up alone in the apartment, step out of bed, and discover a trail of paper hearts leading to a note on the family room couch.
"It is so hard to leave you in the morning. You look so pretty when you sleep, all I want to do is crawl back in bed and sleep next to you all day. Have a good day, kit. <3"

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

5 years ago, i had everything figured out.
At 19,
I knew who I was going to marry,
who was going to be the father of my kids.
5 years ago, I'd found the one.
I had no interest in looking around, firmly believing no one could ever compare to him.
I was his, he was mine and he was everything I needed.
My best friend, my soul mate, the most handsome boy I'd ever seen.
My gentle giant that scooped me up and held me close.
We talked about the future with so much excitement....
He was going to storm the music industry then get into politics, while I dominated the art world and charmed the film giants.
We were going to prove everyone wrong. Profoundly close since childhood, we knew everything about each other.

Everything.

We had them all fooled.
We were gonna make it.
5 years ago, we had everything figured out.

We talked about the day when we'd have to separate again and do our own thing. Grow up on our own.
Go to college.
Be with other people.
Struggle without the comfort of each other.
It loomed in front of us, in our very near future, like an advancing army. A war marching towards us that would thrust guns our hands, shout orders, and tear us apart.
But we smiled...we would make it through. We always did.
It may take years.
But we would come back to each other.

* * * * * * * *

5 years ago,
I had everything figured out.
And since then i've watched it all disappear.
The slowest death you could ever imagine.
5 years of fading out
day by day

drop by drop.

fights, fallouts, relapses, hang ups, and tears
have turned what was supposed to be a temporary separation
into a seemingly permanent one.
Day after day
The room has collected dust.
And the line hasn't rung in almost a year.
dead.

How did we get here?
How did this happen?

I've wandered around and found a few
Some of them kind of look like him
Some of them listen to the same music
And sometimes some of them even make me laugh

But never like he did.

Maybe we were 19 and naive.
Maybe everyone was right.

Maybe I don't care.
Maybe I would give anything to feel that again,
to go back to those days
and feel that comfort.

But for now, I'll continue to desperately board up this hole in my heart that all the bottles in the world couldn't fill,
as it grows deeper and deeper.
Nail it shut,
cover it up with artificial look-alikes that have similar green eyes

Hoping to nothing that all that love wasn't in vain.
That he's still coming back to save me one day.