///./

"Yeah, you know..that one episode, where Budnick like,...he hits a water main. and, YEAH, it's in the middle of the baseball field" she recalled, as she sat up excitedly, taking a quick drag.
"And he's all: "i struck gold! i struck treasure! blah blah blah..i struck-....a water main!' And then the episodes always ended with that camp director talking on the intercom, and he's all "i just went to brush my teeth, and there's no water. whatever wise guy turned the water off, turn it back on" or something."

"yeah, yeah!...wow, i remember that now... ha, yeah what the hell, that guy was like the Dr. Claw of Camp Anawana; no one ever sees him. Remember that one episode where Ug thought he was gonna be fired? and that guy gets on the intercom and tells 'kevin' to come to his office, all super serious?"

"ha ha, yes!"

(sigh)

...(sigh)...

"what a great show."

"I know. then Hey Dude would always come on after it"

"Oh, that show sucked."

"I know! I would always change it after that"

"Me too."

Cigarette smoke curled and twisted in the light of the street lamp. They laughed and sighed, both wishing to be at that level of comfort already, but it was too soon to let silence linger.

"You know Pinski is the guitarist in Rilo Kiley, right?"

She exhaled, then another puff... "yeah, i know."

....

"It's weird, he looks exactly the same."

"I really like that band....".

He smoked so cooly, while his left foot tapped nervously....

not that THAT'S out of the way

got my first tattoo on a whim yesterday morning.

AND IT HURT LIKE A BITCH.

Misfit approves.

time won't let me

If you cannot keep up with me,
It was never meant to be.

Simple as that.

If you want my attention, you better grab it and hold onto it. Hard.
Because I will not sit around and wait for you to mill over your boyish insecurities and stubborn pride.


Life moves fast and I intend to live it to the fullest.

it's been a lonely climb

Despite my achievements these last few months,

this climb has been long and lonely.

I know I can't stop now ...the gears have started turning and I'm not shutting them off or slowing them down this time. This is it.


But I feel like when I've needed friends the most, this is the time where they've all A. disappeared/moved away or B. gone completely unglued on me and walked off. And I'm not trivializing their reasons for it. If I ever do anything to upset a friend, they should feel like they can tell me openly and honestly.

But fuck...
I'm so overwhelmed with all the momentum right now. I feel as though I'm blasting out into unfamiliar territory, excited and intimidated.

When these problems come up during the day I am so busy I feel numb to them. I want to care and respond, and give them my full attention.... and I store the subject in a compartment in my brain that I'll review later.
But during the day, they bounce off me as if I were a Pong paddle.

I get home and feel exhausted and worn out, already thinking of the next work day, and don't want to deal with the problem at hand.

Just give me a break, please.


I think my last serious relationship in Portland really fucked something up in me and it's made me afraid of being serious with anyone, which is a new for me. I've never had the nervous, protective feeling when I meet someone new that I do now. Sometimes I think it's a good thing... since I've moved back, it's veered me away from trying to find someone and start a relationship with them, which always ultimately ends up being a major distraction from what I really need to be focusing on.
But sometimes..fuck


At night I lie awake and miss something.
Miss someone.
And I don't even know who.


I know I need to do this alone.
But it'd be nice to have a hand to reach out to here and there along the way.