1.1

So we went and got into the Model-T and started driving. It took some
time, and my mother had to stop for flowers. It was a long drive toward the
mountains. We reached the foothills and took the little winding mountain
road upwards. Uncle Ben was in a sanitarium up there, dying of TB.
"It must cost Emily a lot of money to keep Ben up here," said my
father.
"Maybe Leonard is helping."
"Leonard doesn't have anything. He drank it up and he gave it away.
"I like grandpa Leonard," I said.
"Children should be seen and not heard," .said my father. Then he
continued, "Ah, that Leonard, the only time he was good to us children was
when he was drunk. He'd joke with us and give us money. But the next day
when he was sober he was the meanest man in the world."
The Model-T was climbing the mountain road nicely. The air was clear
and sunny.
"Here it is," said my father. He guided the car into the parking lot of
the sanitarium and we got out. I followed my mother and father into the
building. As we entered his room, my Uncle Ben was sitting upright in bed,
staring out the window. He turned and looked at us as we entered. He was a
very handsome man, thin, with black hair, and he had dark eyes which
glittered, were brilliant with glittering light.
"Hello, Ben," said my mother.
"Hello, Katy." Then he looked at me. "Is this Henry?"
Yes.
"Sit down."
My father and I sat down.
My mother stood there. "These flowers, Ben. I don't see a vase."
"They're nice flowers, thanks, Katy. No, there isn't a vase."
"I'll go get a vase," said my mother. She left the room, holding the
flowers.
"Where are all your girlfriends now, Ben?" asked my father.
"They come around."
"I'll bet."

"They come around."
"We're here because Katherine wanted to see you."
"I know."
"I wanted to see you too, Uncle Ben. I think you're a real pretty man."
"Pretty like my ass," said my father. My mother entered the room with
the flowers in a vase.
"Here, I'll put them on this table by the window."
"They're nice flowers, Katy."
My mother sat down.
"We can't stay too long," said my father. Uncle Ben reached under the
mattress and his hand came out holding a pack of cigarettes. He took one
out, struck a match and lit it. He took a long drag and exhaled.
"You know you're not allowed cigarettes," said my father. "I know how
you get them. Those prostitutes bring them to you. Well, I'm going to tell
the doctors about it and I'm going to get them to stop letting those
prostitutes in here!"
"You're not going to do shit," said my uncle.
"I got a good mind to rip that cigarette out of your mouth!" said my
father.
"You never had a good mind," said my uncle.
"Ben,"my mother said, "you shouldn't smoke, it will kill you."
"I've had a good life," said my uncle.
"You never had a good life," said my father. "Lying, boozing,
borrowing, whoring, drinking. You never worked a day in your life! And now
you're dying at the age of 24!"
"It's been all right," said my uncle. He took another heavy drag on the
Camel, then exhaled.
"Let's get out of here," said my father. "This man is insane!"
My father stood up. Then my mother stood up. Then I stood up.
"Goodbye, Katy," said my uncle, "and goodbye, Henry." He looked at me
to indicate which Henry.
We followed my father through the sanitarium halls and out into the
parking lot to the Model- T. We got in, it started, and we began down the
winding road out of the mountains.
"We should have stayed longer," said my mother.
"Don't you know that TB is catching?" asked my father.

"I think he was a very pretty man," I said.
"It's the disease," said my father. "It makes them look like that.
And besides the TB, he's caught many other things too."
"What kind of things?" I asked.
"I can't tell you," my father answered. He steered the Model-T down the
winding mountain road as I wondered about that.


-Ham on Rye

backgrounds

Where pride begins, love ceases

It's so hard at the end of the night.

i was winning all day.
i had won.
the day was mine.
it was a slow-motion shot of the winner breaking through the ribbon at the finish line, looped over and over again.
She's already begun to lift her head and arms to the sky triumphantly; moments before the ribbon snaps helplessly against the crushing force of victory
and
the audience is going wild---clapping their asses off.

I can do this.
This isn't hard.
I've done this before.

iwon' tl ety o uhur t m e.


But what does it matter if you're going to inevitably lose horribly at the end of every night?


The footage is looped and no one is watching it.

It hurts.

I am the defeated, watching it alone in a dark room.

And no matter how many times you watch this small victory,
you will eventually turn it off,
return to your room,
hit the lights,
and curl up alone.


do i need you?
or do i just need somebody?

4/18/08

andyoutrysohardtonotbestereotypical.

but fuck you.

there WERE nights that you cried to Radiohead.
there were so many fucking nights.
There were nights you cried listening to Cat Power.
And the thing is--


I wouldn't LIKE these bands as much as i do
I wouldn't hold them so close to my heart if they didn't evoke these feelings.
These songs are precious gems that i hold to my chest and cherish for reminding me i am alive.

i was in my 2nd year of cal arts.
the love of my life had moved to new york without any goodbye.
my film was crashing and burning.
and in an attempt to force myself to work,
i barricaded myself in my cube, pinning the curtains shut and buying an inflatable mattress to sleep on when i felt tired. I lived in my cube. i forced myself to stay there..but i was so heartbroken and anxious all i could do was drink. And day after day, constantly living with the cold hard truth that i knew i wasn't going to finish, I would end each night at 4 AM with sleeping pills and half a bottle of rum. I would pin up my tent every night to block out the fluorescent lights. And when all i should have been focusing on was the film, i laid down every night thinking of him and cried. Submerged in the fog of alcohol, my music was the only light that occasionally shone through, and Cat Power was the the leading voice.
i had never felt so abandoned and lost in my life.
"Where is my Love" would play...and i would sob quietly to no one else but the bed sheet hanging 2 inches above my face.

i have to say something about this movie

today was a shitty day.
My second art show was this afternoon at BoxEight again, the original paintings, plus 2 more.
I couldn't make myself go. Not only have my two best friends moved away this last week (Emily to Berkeley, James to San Jose) so I couldn't go with them, but everyone else I had brought to the last show have continued to share horror stories about the staff from the last show, and refused to attend this one.
I have terrible social anxiety when it comes to events like this...especially when I feel I'm about to be fed to sharks. Alone. I got all ready, then broke down and stayed in bed.

But tonight was so great.
I saw 500 Days of Summer, which hands down is immediately in my top 5 favourite movies of all time. I hope I don't sound like too much of a douchebag saying this, but I don't think I've ever seen a more autobiographical movie in my life. One thing after another, I leaped up in my seat, hands in my hair, thinking "how???!- what???!! how did they-?? that's what I-...!!! That's my favourit---!!!!.. I'VE HAD THIS SAME EXACT CONVERSATION- --". The movie was so relatable, from both characters points of views, I got teary eyed several times.
The soundtrack, the acting, the story timeline, the details, EVERYTHING was so fucking great. When it ended, I wanted to watch it all over again and again and again. I left the theatre with my heart 10 times bigger than before.

This film is exactly the kind of film I want to make someday; that reaches people and moves them. It's what makes me want to keep going, and reminds me why I wanted to make films in the first place.
PLEASE GO SEE THIS MOVIE.

I ended the evening with Zach and Kris at their new apartment in Newhall, watching Deadwood (but mostly ranting about it) and taking whiskey shots. It was a very good night.

K GNIGHT
GO SEE THAT MOVIE

she speaks through me

Tonight we meant to watch the meteors but we ended up playing chicken on the freeway instead.


Tomorrow my momma is going through surgery so I told her I would stay at home and take care of her. I'm making my family dinner, the only meal I know how to make: Vegan Pineapple Fried Rice with soy chicken! hoorayyyy.
Meg is arriving on the 15th with Misfit. She'll be staying with Eric until i have a place to live.
I'm making a series of paintings with biblical themes. The last supper and noah's ark. so that's cool.
And I'm considering taking this opportunity with the health care issue heating up to make my first major piece of political artwork, something I've always wanted to do.
It's so upsetting...today I saw on the Facebook poll that 74% voted AGAINST universal health care. Is this really the world we're living in now? Since when does human life have a price tag? It's so worrisome.
I'm chugging along in After Effects, racing to get a job. Right now I'm learning how to shoot actors using a green screen and key in the footage. We almost got it tonight using the blue walls in my room, but it didn't quite work. Tomorrow I'm going to buy green fabric and 2 more lights and that should do the trick.
Emily is moving on the 15th, James on the 22nd, and my best friend count will plummet to ZERO. Is this the proper place to insert an "fml"?... I'm not sure.. I'm not sure about anything anymore...what's up, chardonnay?

PAINTINGZZZZ



K GOODNIGHT

thanks, adam

oh, what a night

pblz

<3

Bove sisters

sledge

hammer

joshua tree

daron and cole

team addy

jes

james and jenn <3

i love me some wosie

travers

win

.

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