4/18/08

andyoutrysohardtonotbestereotypical.

but fuck you.

there WERE nights that you cried to Radiohead.
there were so many fucking nights.
There were nights you cried listening to Cat Power.
And the thing is--


I wouldn't LIKE these bands as much as i do
I wouldn't hold them so close to my heart if they didn't evoke these feelings.
These songs are precious gems that i hold to my chest and cherish for reminding me i am alive.

i was in my 2nd year of cal arts.
the love of my life had moved to new york without any goodbye.
my film was crashing and burning.
and in an attempt to force myself to work,
i barricaded myself in my cube, pinning the curtains shut and buying an inflatable mattress to sleep on when i felt tired. I lived in my cube. i forced myself to stay there..but i was so heartbroken and anxious all i could do was drink. And day after day, constantly living with the cold hard truth that i knew i wasn't going to finish, I would end each night at 4 AM with sleeping pills and half a bottle of rum. I would pin up my tent every night to block out the fluorescent lights. And when all i should have been focusing on was the film, i laid down every night thinking of him and cried. Submerged in the fog of alcohol, my music was the only light that occasionally shone through, and Cat Power was the the leading voice.
i had never felt so abandoned and lost in my life.
"Where is my Love" would play...and i would sob quietly to no one else but the bed sheet hanging 2 inches above my face.