ting ting ting -- ting ting ting

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!
This year has been without a doubt one of the best years of my life, with so many changes unfolding and so many possibilities opening up in the near future. I couldn't have done a lot of it without my friends, old and new....i love you all so much. You are all beautiful and unique in your own way and continue to make my life so vibrant and colourful. Thank you so much.
I know the recession has hit some people hard and made this year kind of rough. But we have to look forward. We have imagine those moments of relief when we reflect back on these tough times and say "wow, I remember when the economy was so bad and I was in a really rough spot...everyone I knew was in a rough spot.". Things WILL get better. All we can do now is support and love each other and just keep pressing on. I know these tough times have forced me to work harder than I ever have before for what I really want. Being under the gun can be pretty motivating and it was that stress and anxiety that finally pushed me over the edge. All we have is now so DO WHAT YOU LOVE TO DO. Or start breaking through all the obstacles that are keeping you from what you love.
Life is too short to feel defeated and unhappy. Give life's troubles the finger and push forward.
I love you guys and let's make 2010 kick even MORE ass.
merry x-mas and a veddy happy new year <3

-ak47

oh COME ON.

WHAT'S COOL:

Shedding a lot of weight in a very short period of time from running/exercising instead of drinking.

WHAT'S NOT COOL:

Losing so much weight that the dress you had picked out for your work's epic Christmas party is TOO BIG on you now and the all the x-small sizes are back-ordered until the 23rd.





FML

BNS

everyday <3

no xxx

A lot of people have asked me about my abrupt decision to go sober.
So far I've been alcohol free for 9 days, with 13 more days to go.
At 24 years old and this is by far the longest my body has gone without alcohol in as long as I can remember. Day 6 was the record.

Here are my responses:

"Was it really that bad?"

Yes, it was that bad.

This decision has made me bring the truth about my drinking habit to service. Even my closest friends had no idea it had gone this far.

The fact is, I've been drinking heavily alone in my room almost every single night for the last 2 years. I don't need to be in a particular social situation like bar, or a party, or a kickback with friends to want to drink. I've become fine, and even prefer to drink alone in the privacy in my room, where I can have as much as I want with no one around to judge. My habit was considerably worse during my year in Portland, where my tolerance was growing to a bottle of wine and a few beers, every night. It used to be just to help me go to sleep, and then it was embedded into my routine when I'd draw, paint, or do anything creative at night. And because I work privately, it's veiled my habit more.
Drinking alone has been my escape at the end of the day, my special alone time to collect myself, reflect, melt into my favourite music, and actually enjoy the state of delirium i would usually end up drinking myself into. Alcohol has been my safety blanket and I haven't let it go in years. The idea of forcing it away from myself was honestly terrifying.

"What made you want to do it?"

I recently saw Jared for the first time in a few months. He is about to hit his first year of sobriety, and when I saw him he looked remarkably different. In his face and skin. It's that change you can't quite put your finger on, they just look overall better. And it made me realize what I must be doing to my own boy. Alcohol wears out your body over time. I look at myself now,..i used to have runners body, and exercise all the time. I barely run anymore, and feel tired and out-of-shape all the time now.
Not only that, I sat and thought about how much money I must have spent on alcohol. Every bar tab, bottle of wine, case of beer...the amount is probably astronomical, and it made me think of all the other ways that money could have been spent. On art supplies, on a plane ticket to go somewhere I've never been. I think of all the combined hours I've spent, checked out from reality. I'm still in my 20's and this is the most exciting time of my life. I should be soaking it all in, not stumbling through it in a haze, wearing vaseline-smeared glasses.

"Why do you have to stop completely? Why not just drink in moderation."

I want to clear my body of it completely.
And if you've ever had an eating disorder, you know that "all or nothing" mentality gets engrained into your head.

I've replaced drinking at night with working out instead. I've started running again, 3 miles every day and I'm remembering how good it feels.

"Why are you only doing it for a month?"

A. Giving myself a short goal makes it easier to get through the day. "Only 14 more days to go!" is a lot more encouraging than "Only the rest of my life to go!". I wanted to prove to myself that I could be strong enough to do this. Now that I know I can, I'll be taking breaks from alcohol more regularly in the future.

"Why don't you just stop completely?"

well i LOVE BOOZE TOO MUCH SORRY GUYS.


In the mean time, I'm actually enjoying sobriety. I went out last night to a show in LA and it was kind of relieving watching my friends knock back drinks and not have a single urge to join them. I thought being sober around intoxicated people would make me feel disconnected in some way. Plus it was good to know that without drinking, I was safe from pulling some dumb shit, talking nonsense, waking up in some strange bed, putting myself in danger, throwing myself at someone, or completely embarrassing myself. For the record I have magnificently pulled all of those off in the last few months and think I've my fill on self-loathing for now. So that's good!


Sobriety ends on the 18th for my studio's christmas party in Echo Park, which should be loads of fun.
And I feel confident saying I'll be moderating my drinking from here on out. I'm too young to be destroying my body the way I have been. My habit has had a hold on me for years, and now that I have a hold on it, i feel very empowered and considerably healthier. I'm focusing on my work more than ever and will be churning out some amazing stuff in the next few months. SO EXCITED!

Thanks to all my friends who've been so supportive. Thanks to Jared for talking to me through this and congrats on his year of sobriety. Also thanks to Emily, Monique, my brother Alex, James, Josh, my BNS friends and everyone else. <3

Tonight I bought your album off itunes, locked my door, and listened to every song.

it's clear you're still upset with me

and I'm going to have to wait longer than I imagined.

But I will.

glitz

my baby will eventually face the dogs.
my baby will be put on trial for the glitzy debutantes and sharply-dressed blood shot dobermans lining the boulevard.
i will stand back with locked eyes, lips sealed in stone, and sympathetic beads trickling down my temples
as they scan him down
sniffing for
the slightest scent of vulnerability.

unmarked box

Hello.

Who are you?
Why are you knocking on my door?
Where is this going to go?
Are you going to be a good memory?
A regret?
A lesson to learn?
Of course we are both young. And one of the most wonderful, addicting feelings is that feeling of brand new young love. This person is unfamiliar, exciting, new, fun. They are a present you haven't unwrapped yet and want desperately to see all the layers inside.

We are so compassionate, understanding, and effortlessly forgiving in the first few stages. It's almost exciting to find those first few habits that slightly annoy us, as we embrace them as the differences between us. We swell with happiness upon discovering more and more similarities that we have, justifying over time why its just so appropriate that we're together.

So glad we found each other.

Maybe this will be the person that changes my life.
Maybe they won't be.

Whatever, fuck it, it doesn't matter now.
Even if this doesn't last, I'm crazy about this person ..I love them right here and now and want to cherish that. Even if this person breaks my heart one day, I will cherish feeling this happy all the more right now.


It is so scary...the whole fucking thing is so scary.
Maybe it will be something.
Maybe because of social circumstances, it will be nothing. A brief whatever.
Who knows?

hello.
tell me your story.

Hank

Dear charles,
Was it like this when you were still alive?

A broken violin in the corner, with one string left.
wait, no, 2


Charles, are you there?

Charles if you were alive, we'd probably be friends. You'd probably like me. You'd tell me i have an old soul and a young face.


Charles, we'd probably have people asking about us.
but we wouldn't care.

We would sit around your house all day, and you'd give me piano lessons while we drank scotch and smoked cigarettes.
and talked. and talked and talked.
We'd play records.
We'd stare out the back screen door, rocking on chairs, puffing cigs,watching the cretins of Los Angeles bustle about in silence.

Content.

Charles, I wish I could talk to you.
When I read your books, I want to fall inside.
Close my eyes and fall head first, let the book swallow me up.

I'd land, tumbling in on your dirty red rug right as you were getting home the post office. You would always have beer. and wine. And you'd never ask why I was there. You'd just know.


You'd hand me my drink as I flopped on the ratty old couch and sighed.

"Charles, they're not changing."
"They never will, doll" you'd reply, opening the piano lid.
"Charles, ..they are so stupid. ...so so stupid."

When you lose something you can't replace

Once upon a time-
I woke up every morning in that apartment with the hardwood floor.
the black and white tiles in the kitchen

Once upon a time-
We would invite our friends over for poker
People we had known since the days of lost baby teeth
The days we scraped our knees from jumping off the swings
too high
We were that couple, hosting get-togethers at our place with childhood friends, watching movies, eating dinner, smoking cigarettes in the kitchen.
"Ash, can you show ***** where the recycling is?"
(it was outside the kitchen door)

Once upon a time-
We spent evenings soaking in the old fashioned bathtub,
sipping wine,
reading books
while Cat Stevens records played in the next room.
Every once n a while I'd look up to see those eyes smiling at me.

Once upon a time-
I watched him hang my painting up on the wall.

Once upon a time-
I would lie on my stomach on the big soft bed
circling items in the newest Ikea catalog.
Things we couldn't afford but I thought would look great in the place.
(a sharpie next to his morning note that read "pick out some furniture! we need a new couch!")

Once upon a time-
We would tivo our favourite shows and watch them after we got off work...him from the record label, me from the coffee shop. He'd bring home demo cd's, stickers, patches, and posters... I'd bring home cookies, muffins, coffee, and tea. He'd tell me about all the bands that were about to hit the scene and blow everyone away. We knew all about them before anyone did and it felt good.

Once upon a time-
I'd wake up alone in the apartment, step out of bed, and discover a trail of paper hearts leading to a note on the family room couch.
"It is so hard to leave you in the morning. You look so pretty when you sleep, all I want to do is crawl back in bed and sleep next to you all day. Have a good day, kit. <3"

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

5 years ago, i had everything figured out.
At 19,
I knew who I was going to marry,
who was going to be the father of my kids.
5 years ago, I'd found the one.
I had no interest in looking around, firmly believing no one could ever compare to him.
I was his, he was mine and he was everything I needed.
My best friend, my soul mate, the most handsome boy I'd ever seen.
My gentle giant that scooped me up and held me close.
We talked about the future with so much excitement....
He was going to storm the music industry then get into politics, while I dominated the art world and charmed the film giants.
We were going to prove everyone wrong. Profoundly close since childhood, we knew everything about each other.

Everything.

We had them all fooled.
We were gonna make it.
5 years ago, we had everything figured out.

We talked about the day when we'd have to separate again and do our own thing. Grow up on our own.
Go to college.
Be with other people.
Struggle without the comfort of each other.
It loomed in front of us, in our very near future, like an advancing army. A war marching towards us that would thrust guns our hands, shout orders, and tear us apart.
But we smiled...we would make it through. We always did.
It may take years.
But we would come back to each other.

* * * * * * * *

5 years ago,
I had everything figured out.
And since then i've watched it all disappear.
The slowest death you could ever imagine.
5 years of fading out
day by day

drop by drop.

fights, fallouts, relapses, hang ups, and tears
have turned what was supposed to be a temporary separation
into a seemingly permanent one.
Day after day
The room has collected dust.
And the line hasn't rung in almost a year.
dead.

How did we get here?
How did this happen?

I've wandered around and found a few
Some of them kind of look like him
Some of them listen to the same music
And sometimes some of them even make me laugh

But never like he did.

Maybe we were 19 and naive.
Maybe everyone was right.

Maybe I don't care.
Maybe I would give anything to feel that again,
to go back to those days
and feel that comfort.

But for now, I'll continue to desperately board up this hole in my heart that all the bottles in the world couldn't fill,
as it grows deeper and deeper.
Nail it shut,
cover it up with artificial look-alikes that have similar green eyes

Hoping to nothing that all that love wasn't in vain.
That he's still coming back to save me one day.

>>>>>;

One afternoon, I met Gwenyth Paltrow.

It was at the Getty museum in Los Angeles.

She was very tall, in an all white suit with her hail in a pony tail.

She looked very tired.

Nick and I had seen her earlier in the museum but we decided not to bother her.

She was with her family and looked very tired.

About a half an hour later, we were on the complete other side of the museum looking at a tiny painting in the corner of a big room.

Nick nudged my hip and we both looked up. she was looking at the same painting as us.
we exchanged calm "oh shit" looks...sighed..then both spoke up.

Her voice was very polite and calm ...genuine and friendly.

We gabbed about the Royal Tenenbaums of course...but kept conversation to a minimum. ..she looked very tired.

She signed our museum ticket stub: "to Nick and A...from Margot"

Afterwards we lay on the sloping lawn of the Getty, passing our new little signed treasure back and forth.

She wasn't Gwenyth that day.

It hadn't been too long since her father passed away.

and Margot's sad eyes shone through.

she looked very tired....

/||||\\\\

there is nothing better then driving down the 405 freeway in early November when the sun is still as warm and radiant as ever in the southern CA sky. Its 10:23 AM and you're just about to hit the 10 West. You don't drive recklessly on purpose...you're just excited. Driving becomes a race, especially with the right kind of music..the kind that just wouldn't be right listening to on normal volume; the kind that makes you drum your fingers and wrists along the steering wheel. That you can't help but smile to.
As you turn the pin, the new YYY's single is blaring and a plane begins to drop gracefully towards the SM airport, seemingly right along side you. You have your eyes on the road, but for a second you watch it stream across the sky as you coast along together
with hundreds swimming all around you
the sun shining down upon you
the towers breaking through the smog
and tangled freeways, green and clogged

(climb higher, baby)
you wave back at the plane and drive into the city
that for some is heaven. for some is hell.
but not for those who know it all too well...

hey awesome news

james and i are talking about saving up so we can take a trip and backpack through europe next summer.

WOOT!

///./

"Yeah, you know..that one episode, where Budnick like,...he hits a water main. and, YEAH, it's in the middle of the baseball field" she recalled, as she sat up excitedly, taking a quick drag.
"And he's all: "i struck gold! i struck treasure! blah blah blah..i struck-....a water main!' And then the episodes always ended with that camp director talking on the intercom, and he's all "i just went to brush my teeth, and there's no water. whatever wise guy turned the water off, turn it back on" or something."

"yeah, yeah!...wow, i remember that now... ha, yeah what the hell, that guy was like the Dr. Claw of Camp Anawana; no one ever sees him. Remember that one episode where Ug thought he was gonna be fired? and that guy gets on the intercom and tells 'kevin' to come to his office, all super serious?"

"ha ha, yes!"

(sigh)

...(sigh)...

"what a great show."

"I know. then Hey Dude would always come on after it"

"Oh, that show sucked."

"I know! I would always change it after that"

"Me too."

Cigarette smoke curled and twisted in the light of the street lamp. They laughed and sighed, both wishing to be at that level of comfort already, but it was too soon to let silence linger.

"You know Pinski is the guitarist in Rilo Kiley, right?"

She exhaled, then another puff... "yeah, i know."

....

"It's weird, he looks exactly the same."

"I really like that band....".

He smoked so cooly, while his left foot tapped nervously....

not that THAT'S out of the way

got my first tattoo on a whim yesterday morning.

AND IT HURT LIKE A BITCH.

Misfit approves.

time won't let me

If you cannot keep up with me,
It was never meant to be.

Simple as that.

If you want my attention, you better grab it and hold onto it. Hard.
Because I will not sit around and wait for you to mill over your boyish insecurities and stubborn pride.


Life moves fast and I intend to live it to the fullest.

it's been a lonely climb

Despite my achievements these last few months,

this climb has been long and lonely.

I know I can't stop now ...the gears have started turning and I'm not shutting them off or slowing them down this time. This is it.


But I feel like when I've needed friends the most, this is the time where they've all A. disappeared/moved away or B. gone completely unglued on me and walked off. And I'm not trivializing their reasons for it. If I ever do anything to upset a friend, they should feel like they can tell me openly and honestly.

But fuck...
I'm so overwhelmed with all the momentum right now. I feel as though I'm blasting out into unfamiliar territory, excited and intimidated.

When these problems come up during the day I am so busy I feel numb to them. I want to care and respond, and give them my full attention.... and I store the subject in a compartment in my brain that I'll review later.
But during the day, they bounce off me as if I were a Pong paddle.

I get home and feel exhausted and worn out, already thinking of the next work day, and don't want to deal with the problem at hand.

Just give me a break, please.


I think my last serious relationship in Portland really fucked something up in me and it's made me afraid of being serious with anyone, which is a new for me. I've never had the nervous, protective feeling when I meet someone new that I do now. Sometimes I think it's a good thing... since I've moved back, it's veered me away from trying to find someone and start a relationship with them, which always ultimately ends up being a major distraction from what I really need to be focusing on.
But sometimes..fuck


At night I lie awake and miss something.
Miss someone.
And I don't even know who.


I know I need to do this alone.
But it'd be nice to have a hand to reach out to here and there along the way.

1.1

So we went and got into the Model-T and started driving. It took some
time, and my mother had to stop for flowers. It was a long drive toward the
mountains. We reached the foothills and took the little winding mountain
road upwards. Uncle Ben was in a sanitarium up there, dying of TB.
"It must cost Emily a lot of money to keep Ben up here," said my
father.
"Maybe Leonard is helping."
"Leonard doesn't have anything. He drank it up and he gave it away.
"I like grandpa Leonard," I said.
"Children should be seen and not heard," .said my father. Then he
continued, "Ah, that Leonard, the only time he was good to us children was
when he was drunk. He'd joke with us and give us money. But the next day
when he was sober he was the meanest man in the world."
The Model-T was climbing the mountain road nicely. The air was clear
and sunny.
"Here it is," said my father. He guided the car into the parking lot of
the sanitarium and we got out. I followed my mother and father into the
building. As we entered his room, my Uncle Ben was sitting upright in bed,
staring out the window. He turned and looked at us as we entered. He was a
very handsome man, thin, with black hair, and he had dark eyes which
glittered, were brilliant with glittering light.
"Hello, Ben," said my mother.
"Hello, Katy." Then he looked at me. "Is this Henry?"
Yes.
"Sit down."
My father and I sat down.
My mother stood there. "These flowers, Ben. I don't see a vase."
"They're nice flowers, thanks, Katy. No, there isn't a vase."
"I'll go get a vase," said my mother. She left the room, holding the
flowers.
"Where are all your girlfriends now, Ben?" asked my father.
"They come around."
"I'll bet."

"They come around."
"We're here because Katherine wanted to see you."
"I know."
"I wanted to see you too, Uncle Ben. I think you're a real pretty man."
"Pretty like my ass," said my father. My mother entered the room with
the flowers in a vase.
"Here, I'll put them on this table by the window."
"They're nice flowers, Katy."
My mother sat down.
"We can't stay too long," said my father. Uncle Ben reached under the
mattress and his hand came out holding a pack of cigarettes. He took one
out, struck a match and lit it. He took a long drag and exhaled.
"You know you're not allowed cigarettes," said my father. "I know how
you get them. Those prostitutes bring them to you. Well, I'm going to tell
the doctors about it and I'm going to get them to stop letting those
prostitutes in here!"
"You're not going to do shit," said my uncle.
"I got a good mind to rip that cigarette out of your mouth!" said my
father.
"You never had a good mind," said my uncle.
"Ben,"my mother said, "you shouldn't smoke, it will kill you."
"I've had a good life," said my uncle.
"You never had a good life," said my father. "Lying, boozing,
borrowing, whoring, drinking. You never worked a day in your life! And now
you're dying at the age of 24!"
"It's been all right," said my uncle. He took another heavy drag on the
Camel, then exhaled.
"Let's get out of here," said my father. "This man is insane!"
My father stood up. Then my mother stood up. Then I stood up.
"Goodbye, Katy," said my uncle, "and goodbye, Henry." He looked at me
to indicate which Henry.
We followed my father through the sanitarium halls and out into the
parking lot to the Model- T. We got in, it started, and we began down the
winding road out of the mountains.
"We should have stayed longer," said my mother.
"Don't you know that TB is catching?" asked my father.

"I think he was a very pretty man," I said.
"It's the disease," said my father. "It makes them look like that.
And besides the TB, he's caught many other things too."
"What kind of things?" I asked.
"I can't tell you," my father answered. He steered the Model-T down the
winding mountain road as I wondered about that.


-Ham on Rye

backgrounds

Where pride begins, love ceases

It's so hard at the end of the night.

i was winning all day.
i had won.
the day was mine.
it was a slow-motion shot of the winner breaking through the ribbon at the finish line, looped over and over again.
She's already begun to lift her head and arms to the sky triumphantly; moments before the ribbon snaps helplessly against the crushing force of victory
and
the audience is going wild---clapping their asses off.

I can do this.
This isn't hard.
I've done this before.

iwon' tl ety o uhur t m e.


But what does it matter if you're going to inevitably lose horribly at the end of every night?


The footage is looped and no one is watching it.

It hurts.

I am the defeated, watching it alone in a dark room.

And no matter how many times you watch this small victory,
you will eventually turn it off,
return to your room,
hit the lights,
and curl up alone.


do i need you?
or do i just need somebody?

4/18/08

andyoutrysohardtonotbestereotypical.

but fuck you.

there WERE nights that you cried to Radiohead.
there were so many fucking nights.
There were nights you cried listening to Cat Power.
And the thing is--


I wouldn't LIKE these bands as much as i do
I wouldn't hold them so close to my heart if they didn't evoke these feelings.
These songs are precious gems that i hold to my chest and cherish for reminding me i am alive.

i was in my 2nd year of cal arts.
the love of my life had moved to new york without any goodbye.
my film was crashing and burning.
and in an attempt to force myself to work,
i barricaded myself in my cube, pinning the curtains shut and buying an inflatable mattress to sleep on when i felt tired. I lived in my cube. i forced myself to stay there..but i was so heartbroken and anxious all i could do was drink. And day after day, constantly living with the cold hard truth that i knew i wasn't going to finish, I would end each night at 4 AM with sleeping pills and half a bottle of rum. I would pin up my tent every night to block out the fluorescent lights. And when all i should have been focusing on was the film, i laid down every night thinking of him and cried. Submerged in the fog of alcohol, my music was the only light that occasionally shone through, and Cat Power was the the leading voice.
i had never felt so abandoned and lost in my life.
"Where is my Love" would play...and i would sob quietly to no one else but the bed sheet hanging 2 inches above my face.

i have to say something about this movie

today was a shitty day.
My second art show was this afternoon at BoxEight again, the original paintings, plus 2 more.
I couldn't make myself go. Not only have my two best friends moved away this last week (Emily to Berkeley, James to San Jose) so I couldn't go with them, but everyone else I had brought to the last show have continued to share horror stories about the staff from the last show, and refused to attend this one.
I have terrible social anxiety when it comes to events like this...especially when I feel I'm about to be fed to sharks. Alone. I got all ready, then broke down and stayed in bed.

But tonight was so great.
I saw 500 Days of Summer, which hands down is immediately in my top 5 favourite movies of all time. I hope I don't sound like too much of a douchebag saying this, but I don't think I've ever seen a more autobiographical movie in my life. One thing after another, I leaped up in my seat, hands in my hair, thinking "how???!- what???!! how did they-?? that's what I-...!!! That's my favourit---!!!!.. I'VE HAD THIS SAME EXACT CONVERSATION- --". The movie was so relatable, from both characters points of views, I got teary eyed several times.
The soundtrack, the acting, the story timeline, the details, EVERYTHING was so fucking great. When it ended, I wanted to watch it all over again and again and again. I left the theatre with my heart 10 times bigger than before.

This film is exactly the kind of film I want to make someday; that reaches people and moves them. It's what makes me want to keep going, and reminds me why I wanted to make films in the first place.
PLEASE GO SEE THIS MOVIE.

I ended the evening with Zach and Kris at their new apartment in Newhall, watching Deadwood (but mostly ranting about it) and taking whiskey shots. It was a very good night.

K GNIGHT
GO SEE THAT MOVIE

she speaks through me

Tonight we meant to watch the meteors but we ended up playing chicken on the freeway instead.


Tomorrow my momma is going through surgery so I told her I would stay at home and take care of her. I'm making my family dinner, the only meal I know how to make: Vegan Pineapple Fried Rice with soy chicken! hoorayyyy.
Meg is arriving on the 15th with Misfit. She'll be staying with Eric until i have a place to live.
I'm making a series of paintings with biblical themes. The last supper and noah's ark. so that's cool.
And I'm considering taking this opportunity with the health care issue heating up to make my first major piece of political artwork, something I've always wanted to do.
It's so upsetting...today I saw on the Facebook poll that 74% voted AGAINST universal health care. Is this really the world we're living in now? Since when does human life have a price tag? It's so worrisome.
I'm chugging along in After Effects, racing to get a job. Right now I'm learning how to shoot actors using a green screen and key in the footage. We almost got it tonight using the blue walls in my room, but it didn't quite work. Tomorrow I'm going to buy green fabric and 2 more lights and that should do the trick.
Emily is moving on the 15th, James on the 22nd, and my best friend count will plummet to ZERO. Is this the proper place to insert an "fml"?... I'm not sure.. I'm not sure about anything anymore...what's up, chardonnay?

PAINTINGZZZZ



K GOODNIGHT

thanks, adam

oh, what a night

pblz

<3

Bove sisters

sledge

hammer

joshua tree

daron and cole

team addy

jes

james and jenn <3

i love me some wosie

travers

win

.

i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive
i will eat you alive

hitback

The show is tomorrow.
If James and I knew where to find these outfits, we'd definitely be rolling in style all night.

Yesterday he dragged me to the bank to finally check my account balance, which I'd been dreading to look at for the past few weeks. I squealed and jumped triumphantly when i saw I hadn't even spent nearly half of the Superfad money. helloooooo paying for school/car wash/ bills/ buying badass outfit for tomorrow.

I've been working in Pasadena lately with Dave. We're both working on our portfolios. My drawings improve 500% when I work around Dave. He's my Pai Mei.

OK BYE.
hope I see everyone tomorrow.

pitfalls

but my mama never warned me




about my own

destructive appet ti t e

o rly??

peep the names.

!!!!

2/14/08

She is going to throw a fit
She's going to throw her fists into the floor and through the cabinet doors
tear all the posters and papers from the wall

The harmonious to and fro of everyday derailed,
now concentrated to a piercing, high-pitched frequency.
feedback from a blown speaker
the windows in her head begin to blow out

Do you need anything, love?
How bout you over there?
How's everyone doing here?
some water
some tea
a vitamin, a crayon
Here are some laughs
Here is a hug

But not today
not today, ok??

I press my palms into my cheeks
eyes shut tight,
taking long, frantic breathes
I try think of something funny
wipe this scowl away from the inside

the feedback, so shrill,
boring holes in both sides
as my fingernails rip desperately as my scalp.

I tell myself nothing is working and my frustration begins to spill out
I cant pull myself out of this hole
running in circles inside my own head

oh god , this feedback

Want to see something REALLY funny??
Want to see something that'll REALLY make you laugh?

Because

we're all having such a good time
I can teach you how to fly
I can help you touch the sky
then show you the right way to tie a noose

Let's test the durability of the bathrooms stalls
Smash our emptied bottles against the walls
Spew fire without a shred of guilt

Ill break the metal chains tonight
Wit as my shield, tongue as my knife

Take it all
isn't this funny?
isn't this fun?
let's all have a good fucking laugh

my tendency to wander off
when something grabs my attention
i'm so sorry babe,
I left you hanging

oOOOooo. It.

Feels good to be free.

<3

coastin along

what's up, nobody who reads this blog.

I feel like since being back in Cali, everything and nothing has happened.
I've been going on silly-ass adventures every other day, and the days in between scrambling to get a job.
I've made a goal for myself to never have another job that doesn't pay me for being creative. No more cafes, no more stores, none of that. I'm done. It's a little scary but I know I can do it.

Since being home, I've gotten 2 more paint commissions, caught up with so many friends I hadn't seen since moving away, am currently teaching myself French and guitar, and going to the gym everyday. good bye, 7lbs of Portland weight. Also teaching myself After Effects, which is a total pain in the balls but I know it'll be worth it.

It's funny, i remember the feeling of complete disdain I had for southern CA when I first moved away.
I hated it here.
well,..maybe not hated,
but completely spent.
The stupid clogged freeways, and the smoggy air.
The people, the heat.
those depressing walks down the streets of Hollywood at 1:46 AM after a night of drinks, friends' voices softly penetrating the drunken halo over your head, the sidewalk stars with some names you knew, some you didn't.
The hot, dry air.
The city. The anxiety of finding a place to park and hoping to god you don't return to your car to find outrageous tickets, or your car missing from being lovingly towed away.
The 405, the 10, the 2.
The Burbank lunch traffic.
The venues you were dragged into, to see bands play you didn't wanna see.
The suffocating pressure on appearance and looks.

I HATED all these things.

and now that I'm back, I'm strangely grateful for all of them.
Being away made me realize
I hate them because I love them.
And i love them because i hate them.

They are all annoying relatives that now that I'm back, realize how much I love. I want to hug the 5 freeway. And the Budweiser factory off the 405, which always makes the air smell like baking bread in the late afternoon. I wave at the Getty, perched on top of the hill, watching over Santa Monica like a wise old professor. The familiar Warner Bros. tower, the other studios embedded in Burbank and all the memories that come with them. Driving through Coldwater Canyon, telling the houses they still look great.

It makes me happy to see my friends beginning to scatter throughout the city into their own places. Their charming little apartments/shared houses in Los Feliz, Silverlake, Highland Park, and Culver City. And it's exciting to know I will join them soon.

This is where I need to be.
Thank you, Portland, for helping me realize that.

and we're takin some pictures or somethin

well 4th of July came and went. James and I drank a bunch of wine, watched a bunch of Deadwood, then barely made it to the fireworks at the mall. We had to park a mile away so we ferris bueller'd it over walls and fences, ran like hell, then shimmied up to the roof of Barnes and Noble. I forever take back any criticisms i made about characters climbing ladders too slowly in movies, because that shit is scary.




So amazing.
The rest of the photos are on my flickr.

In other news, I got a lead to a possible job opening at the Herzog/Oddball studio.
crossing my fingers.

in other news, i chopped all my hair off.



what's up, America

busy week.
Last night I saw Up with Todd (eh...Wall-E was better)
tonight is Sam's birthday at Citizen Smith in Hollyweird.
Tomorrow hangin out in Silverlake.

zoom zoom zoom!

-ash

<3

new tings

so many photos to come

FLICKRRRR

sometimes planes smash up in the sky

i drank a little too much last night, went to bed at 4, then my dad woke me up at 8, telling me to move my car. Kinda feel like shit right now. But last night was fun. Hung out with Emily, Zac, Nick, and Nick.




Seeing as how im probably not gonna fall back asleep, im gonna go bug James.
Today Im prolly gonna go down to Culver City for the 40th time this week to buy a ream of animation paper, get some sun, and destroy Dylan at super smash bros.

Been shooting a lot on the new camera. will post something soon.

test shot

eeeeeeeee!!

my new toys

my gift to myself after Superfad was my first camera.


















And an external hard drive.

















How cute is that thing?

The camera is a Canon Rebel T1i. The video quality on it is amazzzzzing. I can't wait to start playing with it.

In other news, last night James and I went to the LA Film Fest to see the premiere of Jason's short film, Thompson. so so good. It also played in SXSW. Go jason!
Here's the link to the film's myspace.


Unpacked the car today. Now it's gym, shower, and off to Culver City for the night.
So happy to be back here!

<3

home

i am happy

april o9 - sushi in the graveyard

rattlesnakes!




Ollie is over it



Edgar A. Poe



long way downn














Sorry, Ollie, Mark is taller

HOME.

FUCK YEAH.

And that's how I choose to remember it

I'm sitting on my aunt and uncle's couch, having no idea how I could possibly still be awake ...having conquered that 9 hour drive from Portland to Sacramento on 3 hours of sleep. It was a relief knowing that was the last time I was ever going to make that hellish drive.
Tomorrow I make the last 380 mile stretch, which is always a breeze compared to the first drive. I'm probably going to pour into bed and snuggle the hell out of Hobbes. Then it's Seattle reunion with Dave and Dylan at Dave's place.

Dylan takes amazing photos. Observe.

I feel I should write something about Portland...how it affected my life, my ending thoughts, etc. I just can't put anything together right now. I've mentally been back in southern CA since I returned from the open show visit. I'll form something in a few days when I've settled in and settled down.





































I'm gonna miss that kitty so much...

It's weird to see a year's worth of your life condensed to a little pile in your now barren room...

going away party

Had it last Friday, thinking I was leaving Sunday. However my Superfad check took its sweet ass time getting to my house so...here we are, almost a week later. I am off tomorrow.

The party was good times. We had another potluck. Paul made me a pie. Matt Jones got impossibly drunk. I'm gonna miss all these jerks.

More to come. <3

is this background gay or what?

this is for all non-art related shtuff.

keep up.

<3